Through my recent exploits on Facebook I have learned that several of my high school friends including one ex-girlfriend (what up, Whitney) have declared that they turned to the Vegan lifestyle several years ago and are now loving life - the sun shines brighter, the air tastes sweeter, there is less complexity in their lives, they are all in wondrous physical conditions, and they are closer to their pets than ever before - All good things, no doubt.
Now, as a viewer from the outside of the Vegan realm at first glance I would say these Vegans are truly happy and I might even consider for a moment looking into the Vegan lifestyle for myself ... but after careful consideration, studying the pros and cons I have decided to fore go the Vegan lifestyle for the following reasons:
1. I don't want the superiority complex.
All my Vegan acquaintances seem to develop a genuine attitude that because their diet has more "nutritional value" and is somehow more "animal friendly" that they themselves are better than us meat-eaters. It becomes a prejudice that the Vegan can not overcome - leaving a room if someone munches on a delicious Rib-eye - that's not nice. I don't become disgusted with your brussel sprouts - why so mean to me and my beef?
And as for the cruelty to animals...I'm willing to bet I could get your Vegan dog to leave your side and become my best friend for a bite of my fillet mignon. I am, therefore, less cruel to animals than my Vegan counterpart who denies his or her dog steak. Never met a dog that preferred asparagus. It is true that being Vegan means perhaps less animals are brutally slaughtered for their meat...Unless of course I eat for two...
2. I don't want to be obsessed.
They are obsessed with their diets. Spending hours and hours memorizing ingredients and recipes. Too much work! Although this may seem harmless at first, all that time could have been spent cultivating friendships and working toward world peace...too bad it is being squandered. This obsession leads to isolationism. The rejection of people and friends that don't share the obsession. This is not good for anyone. Meat-eaters on the other hand, can always put their differences aside and rally around a platter of bratwurst or a sausage-fry. No barriers, no prejudices (see Superiority Complex above). Meat sees no color.
*Editor's note: Meat dishes always go best with veggies - another demonstration that our side is always more accepting of alternative dietary lifestyles. Scoot over spare-ribs and make some room for these lovely broccoli florets! Live and let live.
3. Would I have to tell EVERYONE?
Inevitably every Vegan I have connected with within the first five minutes of meeting them has smoothly worked into the conversation that they are, in fact, a Vegan. Not sure I could do that...."Hey Chris, what movie do you want to see?" "Well, I am a Vegan so...let me see...."
That's just awkward. And I look awful in organic cotton so any PETA shirt would just make me look fat.
4. I couldn't handle the disappointment.
Imagine I am shopping and find what I believe to be the perfect snack....I scan the label hopefully and so far no animal products....Oh, this is looking like a WINNER! .... Yes, yes, yes...wait, NO! 0.2% milk fat - milk from a cow?! No!!!!!!! ...I wonder if breast milk would be okay? Maybe with some Hershey's Syrup...?
5. The Alien Attack Scenario.
If aliens were to ever attack it is clear that they would eat the Vegans first. It's just that simple. Look at our own world. The vegetarian animals are the ones we eat. They're rounded up, farmed, slaughtered, and grilled. We don't eat carnivores. Lions, tigers, all safe. We eat sharks but only because they are tasty with butter. Vegans are, for the most part, viewed as weaklings and therefore easy targets for the attacking alien horde. Vegans would be cheaper to feed as livestock living on grains and grasses so the aliens would see the obvious economic benefits of eating vegans over meat-eaters.
I have not, however, overlooked the obvious that the aliens may be, in fact, Vegan. Therefore both Vegans and meat-eaters would be safe. So, to hedge my bets I am eating meat - as a matter of survival.
Nope, I couldn't do it. I couldn't be Vegan. Is it healthier? Maybe. Will you feel better about yourself? I have proven you will be less friendly and alone. Will it make you live longer? Who knows, but you are safe from aliens which is well worth eating meat and you will be surrounded by friends when you die - - Friends who would not be adverse to eating you in a survival situation! Now that's tasty friendship!
Excellent first post. Although with a post this good your setting yourself up for certain failure. There is just no way you can keep up this quality of posts.
ReplyDeleteAs for vegans I don't get them. Your telling me that Turkeys were put on this earth for something other than Thanksgiving. Pshh, right. Next you'll be telling me that Pigs have a purpose other than providing meat for every meal of the day.
One other thing, no vegan every tells you about the side effects of being vegan. First there is the gas problems. Have you gotten caught breathing a lingering fart in an isle of a health food store. It'll burn your eyebrows off. Second, there is the inevitable crazy social views. You'll start out not wanting to be cruel to animals and end up wanting animals to have more rights than humans. Before you no it you'll be naked on a Peta billboard looking over a freeway somewhere in SoCal. Craziness.
Good post fellow barbarian meat eater!
After stumbling onto your blog from Bryan's...(I am a blog stalker, I admit it)... I have to agree with Bryan's assessment. I just don't see how you can keep up this kind of quality on a regular basis. It's impossible.
ReplyDeleteIt's a classic rookie mistake!
However, might I suggest that you make your next few posts just as fantastic (if not more so) so that you can really create a following...then when you can't live up to the hype, you'll still have followers that are willing to believe you're just in a "slump" and will pull out of it soon enough.
Advice time over.
I must thank you for this enlightening post about Vegans. I was recently recruited by a happy and shiny group of people that I now recognize as a Vegan cult. They started by just suggesting I stop wearing my fur pants...before long they were suggesting tofu treats instead of beef jerky and before I knew it...I was wearing wrinkled and organic cotton, didn't eat any animal products (which left tofu, dirt and soy nuts) and my best friend was a llama.
After that I found it impossible to stop...I became a Fruitarian as well. I don't eat any fruit that hasn't naturally fallen off the tree/branch/vine. To end it's life prematurely would be a sin.
I thought I was happy, I thought I was better than everyone else. I rubbed meat and fruit eaters faces in my superiority. I was fighting for equal fruit rights! And then...I read your blog.
Thank you. Although skeptical at first, it was your Alien argument that won me over. I can not risk being taken by aliens. Not again.
Thanks Chris! Keep up the good work!
Hey Chris! I didn't know you had a blog! You are hilarious! I was laughing pretty darn hard over the vegan. and i like the texting video by the way. pretty cool!
ReplyDeleteoh my! I defiantly needed this laugh! I love it!
ReplyDelete