Me Vegan??

Through my recent exploits on Facebook I have learned that several of my high school friends including one ex-girlfriend (what up, Whitney) have declared that they turned to the Vegan lifestyle several years ago and are now loving life - the sun shines brighter, the air tastes sweeter, there is less complexity in their lives, they are all in wondrous physical conditions, and they are closer to their pets than ever before - All good things, no doubt.

Now, as a viewer from the outside of the Vegan realm at first glance I would say these Vegans are truly happy and I might even consider for a moment looking into the Vegan lifestyle for myself ... but after careful consideration, studying the pros and cons I have decided to fore go the Vegan lifestyle for the following reasons:

1. I don't want the superiority complex.
All my Vegan acquaintances seem to develop a genuine attitude that because their diet has more "nutritional value" and is somehow more "animal friendly" that they themselves are better than us meat-eaters. It becomes a prejudice that the Vegan can not overcome - leaving a room if someone munches on a delicious Rib-eye - that's not nice. I don't become disgusted with your brussel sprouts - why so mean to me and my beef?

And as for the cruelty to animals...I'm willing to bet I could get your Vegan dog to leave your side and become my best friend for a bite of my fillet mignon. I am, therefore, less cruel to animals than my Vegan counterpart who denies his or her dog steak. Never met a dog that preferred asparagus. It is true that being Vegan means perhaps less animals are brutally slaughtered for their meat...Unless of course I eat for two...

2. I don't want to be obsessed.
They are obsessed with their diets. Spending hours and hours memorizing ingredients and recipes. Too much work! Although this may seem harmless at first, all that time could have been spent cultivating friendships and working toward world peace...too bad it is being squandered. This obsession leads to isolationism. The rejection of people and friends that don't share the obsession. This is not good for anyone. Meat-eaters on the other hand, can always put their differences aside and rally around a platter of bratwurst or a sausage-fry. No barriers, no prejudices (see Superiority Complex above). Meat sees no color.

*Editor's note: Meat dishes always go best with veggies - another demonstration that our side is always more accepting of alternative dietary lifestyles. Scoot over spare-ribs and make some room for these lovely broccoli florets! Live and let live.

3. Would I have to tell EVERYONE?
Inevitably every Vegan I have connected with within the first five minutes of meeting them has smoothly worked into the conversation that they are, in fact, a Vegan. Not sure I could do that...."Hey Chris, what movie do you want to see?" "Well, I am a Vegan so...let me see...."
That's just awkward. And I look awful in organic cotton so any PETA shirt would just make me look fat.

4. I couldn't handle the disappointment.
Imagine I am shopping and find what I believe to be the perfect snack....I scan the label hopefully and so far no animal products....Oh, this is looking like a WINNER! .... Yes, yes, yes...wait, NO! 0.2% milk fat - milk from a cow?! No!!!!!!! ...I wonder if breast milk would be okay? Maybe with some Hershey's Syrup...?

5. The Alien Attack Scenario.
If aliens were to ever attack it is clear that they would eat the Vegans first. It's just that simple. Look at our own world. The vegetarian animals are the ones we eat. They're rounded up, farmed, slaughtered, and grilled. We don't eat carnivores. Lions, tigers, all safe. We eat sharks but only because they are tasty with butter. Vegans are, for the most part, viewed as weaklings and therefore easy targets for the attacking alien horde. Vegans would be cheaper to feed as livestock living on grains and grasses so the aliens would see the obvious economic benefits of eating vegans over meat-eaters.
I have not, however, overlooked the obvious that the aliens may be, in fact, Vegan. Therefore both Vegans and meat-eaters would be safe. So, to hedge my bets I am eating meat - as a matter of survival.


Nope, I couldn't do it. I couldn't be Vegan. Is it healthier? Maybe. Will you feel better about yourself? I have proven you will be less friendly and alone. Will it make you live longer? Who knows, but you are safe from aliens which is well worth eating meat and you will be surrounded by friends when you die - - Friends who would not be adverse to eating you in a survival situation! Now that's tasty friendship!

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Well, I went and did it....I now have a blog...